A quandry and some other things.

Do sex blogs have to be sexy all the time? I don’t really think so. I think the daily minutiae make the actual sexy that much sexier. If I was ALWAYS getting what I wanted sexually, all the time, every day…I think this would be a repetitive and boring blog. I think ‘real stuff’ makes it work. At least for me. If anyone reads it, I suppose they can tell me. Otherwise, I will certainly keep on keeping on.

I realized today that it has been months [probably close to six, if not more] since there has been penis of any sort in the ol’ hooha. Perhaps this is not unusual for lots of people. Were I not in a theoretically committed relationship, it wouldn’t be that unusual for me either. I am known for going years and years between relationships and sex where something gets done to me. However, I am not single. I am very not single. In fact, I am not single enough that I am living with my standard issue, penis-bearing, theoretically heterosexual boyfriend.

We don’t really have sex, persay. There is little-to-no penis in hooha action. ‘Let’s go fuck around’ takes the form of a blowjob for him and some fingers for me, if I’m lucky. As I’ve covered before, I am not a skinny girl and he has some sort of mental block with that. Whatever. I think I’m hot [mostly] so fuck a bunch of that. Someone I was thinking of tricking with [but darling boyfriend and I cannot get our non-monogamous eggs in one basket, to my utter chagrin] said, when I carefully spelled out that I was fat and if that was a deal-breaker I wanted to know before my clothes came off, that bodies didn’t matter and as long as I was able to live my life in a mobile matter it was all fine by him. Go figure.

So it’s been awhile. I alternate between being itchy for action and, like I am currently, having absolutely no sex drive at all. The absence of sex, regardless of the presence of an actual sex drive, makes one think about sex a lot.

I’ve lived a very, very sexual life. I spent a significant part of my childhood dreaming incredibly lewd scenarios with my favorite musicians or people from tv–I banged the FUCK out of Danny Wood from the New Kids On The Block in my nine-year-old head and, as I got older, moved to scribbling virgin-tastic pornographic stories in those black and white speckled notebooks [I recently threw them all out when I moved, but not until I sat down and re-read them cover to cover].

I was actually a late bloomer, though. I didn’t kiss someone until I was twenty–and it was an anonymous girl at my very first play party. I never found out her name, but she was a beautiful curvy blond with amazing breasts. I had sex with a woman at twenty and then with a man when I was twenty-four. I spent the first part of my twenties being an incredibly hedonistic dyke who had seriously secret desires for some cock and was terrified to act on them. I got really, really active in the leather/bdsm community and chaired a group for leatherdykes for awhile. When I got sick of that, I picked up a couple leather titles and traveled the country for a couple years. Flirted my way through leather bars, leather clubs, events, and, to the confusion of my all-gay-male leather family, lots and lots of gay men. I was [and remain] the dirty little secret of a significant bunch of gay men–a oncer who sometimes was the first/only non-dude to suck their cock. Darling Boyfriend once asked me where I learned to give such good blowjobs and I told him. He was a bit surprised. I have been collared, collared another, practically been a different gender and burned up a purity checklist.

I pretty much gave all of that up in the last year or so after some radical life changes pulled me away from that. I don’t regret it, persay, as I have fairly unpopular opinions of the leather community and most of the people in it.

After attending a local fetish event in January–the first time in almost a year that I had gone to such a thing–I realized that I was not missing the ‘community’ or whatever, I was missing the sexual spontaneity. Until DB [darling boyfriend], I had never had a romantic or sexual relationship that was not seriously twisted. DB, while preferring to think of himself as non-vanilla, is the most vanilla thing I’ve sucked the cock of in my life. I am a confirmed pervert–I like sex rather brutish.

DB likes to think he’s topping me, but there’s no bigger turn-off than someone asking me mid-face-slap if he’s hurting me. YES, you’re hurting me. IT’S THE POINT. We’ve talked about this, sweetie. And telling me later that you do it because I like it? Also un-hot. He, however, is a big goddamn bottom and, despite me knowing exactly what buttons to push, he rebuffs it ALL. For a man who owns a shit-ton of fem domme porn and strap-on porn, he runs away from it like his ass, as it were, is on fire.

So, instead, I think on hot Daddies who want to treat me like a nasty little girl and men who wear lovely intricate chastity devices [this is a new interest...power is addictive]. And, somehow, my sex drive just…simpers.

Tomorrow, I will aim to post something that is actually sexy.